Monday, January 25, 2010

01.25.10

Well, I will be seeing my cardiologist in Feb. and an angioplasty shortly there after.. so wish me luck all.. I am always panicked seeing a doctor.. and the idea of a camera being  put in my thigh, and up into my heart to take pictures, maybe put in stints.. gawd.. I am terrified.. makes it hard to think and write..

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Night Mist


As I stand in the night, and the darkness embraces me, the night mists surround me, wet against my face..
I feel peace.. the darkness protects.. I can blend into the night..it is a part of me..
The night mists hang over my shoulders.. touch my face like a caress.. I feel calm.. the tension of the day washes away..
Walking in the night.. so quiet.. muted light.. filtered through fog..
So different from Sun light.. stay quiet.. try not to be noticed.. stay out of the way..
The pressure of the time.. every couple had a child.. there must be something wrong with you if you didn't..
They should have adopted a girl.. a girl playing dress up in mommies lingerie instead.. a girl would have been safe.. a girl would have been protected..  a girl would have been wanted.. a boy.. a boy was only because they couldn't get a girl..
"See, see we're just like anyone else.. we have a child.. see him.. see there he is in his room."
 If you couldn't make him a girl.. try to make him a man.. five years old and still he was not becoming what they wanted..
Out in the sunshine.. where everyone could see.. a normal family.. but inside that house.. or out in the yard, the sun was shining and the boy was scarred..
The young child was screaming.. he just couldn't do anything right.. nothing was ever good enough.. acceptance out of reach.. nothing under the sun  could ever be good enough.. never could do anything to make them proud..
If you beat him often enough maybe he'll get it right.."Lillian, stop you're going to kill him."
"Stop, you're crazy, you're hurting me."  then she hit me with a chair..
He lay in the yard, a broken chair beside him... "Don't ever call her crazy." In his room he prayed for night, for the safety of the dark..
Time, has taught me.. the pain happened in the sunlight.. it was safer for me after the sun set.. I was never beaten in the dark.. I could be me, I could be anything in a book.. in a book, by candle light I was anyone but me..
There is beauty in the stars overhead.. the night mist caresses your cheek.. grandmother Moon looks down on you and the terrors of the daylight vanish in the mist......