Sunday, November 20, 2011

Transgender

It's raining here now, and it will soon be midnight.. i love the rain, but it is not loud enough to hear right now.. i am three days without my psych meds, and i cried for an hour today, and don't know why..  i self medicated with bourbon earlier, it was the only way to stop the tears...

i am a retired transgender female, living in very old male body.. There isn't a choice.. i have never felt good about this body, but time, vanity and love of those closest to me make any change at this late date, out of the question.. i am who i am inside.. i only just recently listed myself as transgender at the hospital.. i had to fill out all these forms, and it asked the usual standard stuff except it also asked:    (   ) Male -  (   ) Female - ( X ) Transgender, so i thought seeing as they asked, i would answer it the way i felt was correct.. 


i also have now been diagnosed by four psych Doctors as having PTSD… of course there is also the depression…

Reading novels by Lesbian authors helps me stay sane… i have often said, "i'm a lesbian in disguise", of course having my meds would be of some help just now.. it wouldn't change how i feel regarding gender, but i wouldn't make me feel so down...

i had a very dear friend die a horrible death from cancer a few months ago.. Melissa was much braver than i.. She had such a sweet spirit.. .. i miss her.. 

i just don't know how to make it some days.. and the bad days seem to be, are, more frequent now with retirement.. i started sewing again yesterday, and did quite a bit today as well.. i quilt, make clothes and even sometimes dolls...

Naukishtae