Tuesday, December 4, 2012

My Returrn, and Thoughts on Racism


I have not been here for almost a year.. Death took a friend.. and I lost my reason to blog.. that must change… I must start again.. but the way i feel about the world, and the creatures in it, becomes more treacherous each day… 

We are still in the pit of racism. Oh, we say we've come so far. But it still surounds us… Some still fight it, it's subliminal, just at the edge of thought.. we are going to speak about something, and a voice inside says.. "You can't say that any more, you know it's wrong." So why then does our mind not change and supply the proper term, that we know we should use. We castigate ourselves, for even thinking the wrong thing. We try to put the brainwashing of our parents behind us. It is insidious. To this day I can't look at nuts in the stores at this time of year, and say "brazil nuts", No my mind goes back to my parents, and my mother calling them "Nigger toes". How terrible is that? It defies my thing brain to stop the thought before it arrives at it once again.

What is wrong with our heads.. Why can't we reprogram ourselves???

So I am back, and will try very hard to continue what I started here some years ago.. be blessed dear friends... 

N aukishtae

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Transgender

It's raining here now, and it will soon be midnight.. i love the rain, but it is not loud enough to hear right now.. i am three days without my psych meds, and i cried for an hour today, and don't know why..  i self medicated with bourbon earlier, it was the only way to stop the tears...

i am a retired transgender female, living in very old male body.. There isn't a choice.. i have never felt good about this body, but time, vanity and love of those closest to me make any change at this late date, out of the question.. i am who i am inside.. i only just recently listed myself as transgender at the hospital.. i had to fill out all these forms, and it asked the usual standard stuff except it also asked:    (   ) Male -  (   ) Female - ( X ) Transgender, so i thought seeing as they asked, i would answer it the way i felt was correct.. 


i also have now been diagnosed by four psych Doctors as having PTSD… of course there is also the depression…

Reading novels by Lesbian authors helps me stay sane… i have often said, "i'm a lesbian in disguise", of course having my meds would be of some help just now.. it wouldn't change how i feel regarding gender, but i wouldn't make me feel so down...

i had a very dear friend die a horrible death from cancer a few months ago.. Melissa was much braver than i.. She had such a sweet spirit.. .. i miss her.. 

i just don't know how to make it some days.. and the bad days seem to be, are, more frequent now with retirement.. i started sewing again yesterday, and did quite a bit today as well.. i quilt, make clothes and even sometimes dolls...

Naukishtae

Monday, October 10, 2011

How i see "Age" and "Life"


When we think of how old we are, we think of only this existence, as if this was the one and only life we have ever had, or ever will have… 

Life for so many is only once, and then.. the christian heaven, or hell.. nothingness.. something else… what then?.. Reincarnation? Hmmm… many years ago, i would have thought the christian way.. but then i had a few past life regressions.. don't ask for one, unless you are sure you want one.. ..

We were not all Cleopatra, or Joan of Arc… not all of us one of the very famous people who have gone on before.. and not all regressions are pleasant… some of mine are ok.. but the one's i remember with vivid clarity, were the some of the ones that ended violently.. an herbalist burned in Europe.. mutilated in the 1700's as a Shaman in North America.. there were ones that were good… guardian of children in South America.. a stone cutter in Egypt, South America, Easter Island.. and on, and on…  

i have been asked , "How do you know, that reincarnation is real?  That you have been here before.. For me it is simple.. how could i possibly know how to do the many and varied things that i can do, without ever being taught… no one taught me how to cut stone in this life.. no one taught me how to do beading for ceremonial use on garments or rattles.. no one taught me how to paint.. how to do the most intricate carvings.. some resembling the carvings of the Maori People.. it is simple.. i learned in past lives, and i remember on a sub-conscientious, and some times conscientious level……

i always have had the same Spirit Guides to teach and direct my path.. they have been with me since before this planet cooled, and became inhabitable.. their shapes have changed, but not who they represent.. Earth, Air, Fire, Water, and Spirit…… others have come to teach.. old friends who wander in and out of each life, to help me grow.. to help the higher self grow.. to become more than each part will ever be by itself.. it is combining all these lives, and the lessons learned that help us in the form of our higher self, become who we really are…

Each life is a class.. that we each take, as we regenerate, life after life, after life, until we have learned all there is to know along this path, and our higher self no longer has to have more classes at this level of conscientiousness, but can go and learn at a higher level somewhere else.

i frequently tell people that i am older than "time"…. i say this, because i think time is relative to where you are in the cosmos… and as growing and changing creatures, we are in a constant state of flux.. always to become more than we were…. and more than we are now………..

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Health



Hi all, i am writing to report that my cognitive testing is completed and i scored above average to superior in all areas for someone my age.. So that is the good news.. i am still weak, and working on an incline bike at the gym to build up my stamina.. 
I am still just as odd as ever, but oh, i did get a diagnosis of PTSD.. so some of things remain the same.. we are having trouble finding a female psychiatrist for me to treat the PTSD, which comes from my childhood.. yes, it stays with you even when you get really old.. 
Now remember, i have had 15 plus years of therapy already.. but even with all of that i still have black or blank areas in my memory… there is good and bad in this, because i remember some things i would rather not, and you never know when a blank or black area of memory, will become clear, and come to the forefront of my memory… and this is not always a plus……
You may have noticed, that i said female psychiatrist, and not male.. well if you have followed me for any length of time, you will have noticed i do not think very highly of men.. everything is a p………g contest, i just can't handle it.. their attitude is so foreign to me.. their continued degradation of women.. pathetic.. their fear and stupidity regarding  gays and lesbians.. i just don't know how to tell you, how these attitudes make me angry...
i can only stand a very few men..  i have one follower who knows who he is and does not have these kinds of issues.. yes Alan.. i think you are so far above so many men.. anyway, i have to stop going in this direction because it tends to raise my blood pressure..
My internist feels my thyroid level is way off, and is causing some of my problems.. so we are adjusting it.. all in all, i am working toward a healthier me...

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Just an Update on my Health


Just an update.. Still can't drive.. I saw the the Neurologist, he ran radioactive die tests in my brain.. he told me that I have had more than twenty minor TIA's, (small strokes}.. My internist told me it isn't as bad as it sounds, and will see me on the first of next month.. he said I have a problem with my vascular system in and around my brain..
Still feeling week, but am trying to get in some exercise, and will be able to drive in about a week.. being able to drive is the big thing, being trapped in the house, is not fun.. anyway thanks to all of you for prayers, and thoughts..

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Where I'm At In Life, At Sixty-Six

This is very hard for me to write. But i need to do it, to face it, so i can move on. It is so much easier to help someone else, than to do something for myself. At sixty-six, and retired, my mind has awakened symptoms that have returned to pledge me now, and multiple other times throughout my life. 
From the time i was very young, and through my teens, i suffered mental, physical and sexual abuse. This should say it all regarding my mental state.. Some things i can not remember.. other things i forced myself to forget.. i still remember more than i want.. i went from one adoption home to another.. Rejected time after time.. i was beaten repeatedly while in these homes.. for things that their own children did. When i was finally adopted, i had tonsillitis and was suffering from malnutrition. i was told, that i was not adoptable because of my stuttering.. My childhood stuttering retunes when i become anxious… 
My adoptive father was vicious, and demeaning to the point that many a night i did not eat, because i could not eat and listen to him tell me what a disappointment and failure i was to him. The only time he was happy with me, was when i was a Christian minister, it didn't last. Neither did Christianity.. for me…
Nothing i ever did was good enough.. never enough.. i could never measure up.. for them it was all unreachable.. Epicurus said, " Nothing is ever enough for a man for whom enough is too little."
My adoptive mother once picked up a wooden garden chair, and broke it over my back from behind. They only adopted me because all their friends and relatives had children.. They thought they were looked down on and that there was something wrong with them, because they did not have children in the 1950's… i used to fantasize, when i was seven or eight, that my brother would ride up on his harley, and take me away from it all.. i don't have any idea how i knew he would some day ride a hog.. he was a year and a half younger than me...
If i did anything they disapproved of i would get this line over and over again.. it was like a mantra..  (Look at all We have given you…Where would you be now if we hadn't adopted you?) i expected to be thrown out of the house at any misstep.. as a teen, i cut the backs of my hands to relieve the stress of living.. of being property.. rather than belonging to a family...
The only reason i go on is that i believe that if i opt out, i will have to do every thing over again in my next life.. and try to pass the test that is happening in this life again.. Why would i want to go through this hell again? Plus i can't cause that kind of pain to my wife and children...
i have a lot of blank areas in my memory that i can not see. Some memory loss i believe is because my un-conscious  mind does not believe my conscious mind can handle it. When i do remember something, i try to share it with my therapy group.. but sometimes i can not. i am often screaming on the inside, and just a blank face on the outside.
Since i have retired (the last week of February), my startle response has gotten worse.. any loud (sharp) noise will make my heart  jump.. i have unwanted memories, that return to haunt me, that I would rather have not remembered. 
During my first marriage, i would wake up screaming several nights a week.. it was terrible for my first wife.. she never knew what would set me off.. Awakening after a nightmare i either feel emotionally numb, or my heart is going like a race horse.. i lose all interest in everything, and just sit on the end of the bed staring out the window, feeling trapped, looking, but not seeing.. from five minutes, to forty.. i just can't bring myself out and get going again.. other times i just sit there and cry….. my emotions are really over the top lately and i cry frequently… numbness to tears in seconds...
There have been many days i awakened feeling that i would not live to see another year, with not even a thought to the future, there is no future to see. i have to take medication to sleep, and stay asleep, or i just stare at the walls…
Some times for no reason, i will feel so distressed in a store, i have to leave because a feeling that the walls, the very air, is closing in on me… i get irritable and sometimes have outbursts of anger, and can not see the cause.
i am always in a state of what could be called hyper vigilance, always afraid something really bad is about to happen. i surround myself with edged weapons at home, and frequently carry a blade to protect myself from imagined events.. i used to carry guns, but i had to stop.. you can not walk a path of peace, and carry guns.. Sometimes the thought of  perceived danger weighs so heavy, that i can not leave the house.. other times there is such a feeling of absolute hopelessness that i can not find what good i am at all, what value?…
i have always felt alienated and alone, in school i was pushed down stairs from behind because i was different.. i never fit in..  i searched for blood family all my life. i found them, but the feeling did not go away… 
i have terrible feelings that i will be rejected by everyone, and have a lot of fear of being alone..  that no one really wants to be around me, or really know me… in 1949, my brother was taken away from me.. i never recovered, even after i found him 30 years later.. he was all i thought of all those years...
In February 2011 i had a seizure while driving to work.. i had to retire.. 
My sombre exterior puts people off.. i frighten them, some have even looked at me, crossed themselves and walked the other way.  

My Doctor said i am suffering from PTSD. 

Thursday, February 24, 2011

What's up with Me....



Hi, everyone.. as you all know, I am not the best at making phone calls, and keeping up with family or friends.. I am sorry, I wish I could change that and do better…

So i decided to write all this down and that way let every one know what was going on in my life.. Ten days ago, a week ago this past Friday I had a seizure while driving to work.. I blacked out at the wheel, and knocked off the passenger side mirror.. then went up over a curb.. and then continued on to work, except I don't remember finishing my drive to work.. After I parked at work, I think I remember walking in the building, I don't remember my drive to work.. I went to my desk and I tried to sign in on my computer, by typing on the table instead of the keyboard.. I remember the AOD that I was relieving asked if I was alright.. then I went black again.. next thing I knew I was on a gurney in the back of the my own ER.. I woke up on the gurney, and my wife was sitting beside me in a chair.. I spent about 7 or 8 hours there, and had a CT (that I don't remember), and an MRI of my head (that I do remember some of).. I went to see my own doctor on Monday, and he thought I had a seizure while driving.. and then blacked out and then slept for a long time, because thats what happens when you have a seizure.. I have little or no memory of the events of that day.. I am not allowed to drive a car for at least 6 months.. I have to see a neurologist regarding epileptic seizures, as soon as they get the records from the VA..Until then, I am holding the house down, and have put in papers for para-transit vouchers so I can get around by cab.

Anyway.. my doctor has put me out, and I can not work anymore, and I was going to retire in March, so I am basically retired now.. I just have to go in and sign out with the department heads tomorrow, and I am done.

I do have an almost total blank space for Feb. 11th, and still have to see some more doctors.. but I am basically retired now and hopping I will not have any more seizures..

I wish all of you the best..

Naukishtae