24 February 1988
A spontaneous past life regression. The first of many that let me look back two hundred years. I was shopping that day at Alpha Beta, and had half a shopping cart filled when I started to see on more than one plane of existence. It truly scarred me. I left the half filled cart, and the store and went home.. My neighbor Patritcia took me into their kitchen, and we talked for hours about what I was seeing. This is a narrative of what I saw.
I remember… Nau-kish-tae 24 February 1788
It was a cool, almost clear morning, I had been up for several hours. A slight mist still hung over the river, and the air was fresh and clean.
I had risen early, just before dawn, so I could offer prayers and tobacco to the Great Spirit for the hunt the warriors would leave on before the Sun had risen. We needed food, it had been several days since they had been successful. Seeing them safely on their journey, I then stayed in the meadow to do my own meditation. I remembered always feeling uncomfortable around large groups of the men. I had never been with a man, for I was the Shaman of my tribe, and many of the men feared me. Feared a two-spirit, and feared what they did not understand. The Old One had tried to explain these things, but many were unwilling to listen. They only wanted a good hunt, and their own pleasures.
I stood apart from our camp that morning, continuing to offer prayers for the tribe to the Great Spirit for our sick and elderly.
The Sun was just starting to warm me as it came slowly over the edge of the hill. Quite suddenly I noticed that there was no sound except the rumble of the river. The river sounded like the thunder of the water fall, churning with a great noise. Then the rumble got louder. I turned and saw a great company of men on horseback, their hooves sending the river water in a great spray, riding toward me and the camp. Some of these men broke off from the main company and came for me.
Children and adults alike within the camp saw them now and began to scream and run. The old men and some of the children they just killed outright.
I turned to run as the men came for me, but I did not get out of the meadow. They jumped on top of me from horse back, and forced me to the ground. They immediately started to punch me and tear my clothing from me, shredding it.
I tried to scream, but all the air had been knocked out of me when they crashed on top of my back. My legs were forced apart and they were trying to rape me. I was being raped, and I finely found my voice and screamed, but they laughed. They had found a virgin who was about 30 summers. They raped me repeatedly and did other vile things to me, and all the time I could hear other women being treated the same. All the time, there were the death screams of children and others in my ears.
The Sun was now high over head, and I just lay there letting them, all my strength gone from me. I was hoping someone would come, maybe someone would return from the hunt. I just stared blankly into the Sun.
Then he came. He smelled of death, and blood dripped from his hands and face, and he laughed. He too, tried to penetrate me, but he could not. He took out his knife and looked me directly in my eyes… then he placed the knife just under the swell of my left breast and began to cut me… the blood ran fast down my chest to my navel and on… he laughed again. What he could not do with his penis, he would do through mutilation.
Everything went dark… and then it was light again, only different, sharper colors and perceptions. I saw him from a few feet away, and then from above, and then I was way up in the sky looking down. Then my eyes changed and I stood on the top of the hill above our camp, I was dressed in my best ceremonial clothing, feathers moving in the breeze and my Spirit Guide stood beside me.
We stood on a small hill and looked down on the terrible scene below. Four men still held me down as my body thrashed. While one man still penetrated me, the fifth man moved and placed the knife under my right breast and began to cut until my body had only two pulpy lumps where my breasts had been.
It was as if we watched a scene that was not real, yet I knew it was for I could feel the pain. I can still feel the pain. The pain in my own body.. the pain of each rape.. the pain of each death.. the loss of their spirit.. the pain of each member of my clan. (When ever I remember this time, I feel the pain all over again. Two hundred years have passed, and I still feel the pain.)
As we watched he started to cut a neat line around my head just below my hair line… I willed my heart to stop… I knew.., I could not return to that brutalized body.
My once beautiful hair, that had hung all the way to my toes, was now a token on his belt, and my breasts were in a pouch on his side.
Then I thought of E-nec-qua, and the love we shared, and would never share again.. how she loved to braid my hair.. and suckle at my breast… but this time was over.. would there be a time together somewhere again…? Where was she? Was she alive? She did not stand with us yet upon the hill.. then I saw her about half way down below us, screaming.. crying in terror, as men were coming for her. There was to be no escape.
As I and the great Grey Wolf Spirit watched, he went on through the camp and repeated his vile act upon all he came to.
They then packed up all the objects of our camp that they wanted and burned everything and everyone.
There was nothing left for the warrior to come back to, or to send on to the Great Spirit upon their return. There was nothing…
Again I stood beside the great Wolf Spirit, and it was as many seasons had past. We were in a great room of men, and we watched as men and women laughed and drank.
But I smelled him.. then I saw him… he was still filthy, and he still smelled of death. Others of that place stood apart from him… even his own, could see that death hung upon him, as the cloths on his back.
He ordered another man to bring him more drink. As he paid, he asked the other man if he wanted coin or gold dust. The other man, not being a fool, asked for dust, for a drunken man pinches more than the need requires. As we watched he took out two leather bags, and looked into each to find which he had placed his dust in. Each of the bags had a nipple, and as he opened the bag, I saw the birthmark from my left breast upon the second bag.
The two bags were my own breasts….
I remember no more of this man….
14 April 1988
I see a store of things… gadgets… junk… jewelry…. there are many counters… shelves with blankets… old things belonging to the dead… old things of the people. There under the glass counter top, by the cash register is a worn leather bag… there is a nipple a third of the way down and just off center… and a birthmark to the right of the nipple….
I feel the pain again….
Someday I will see this place with these eyes… then it must be bought… and burned on the scared ground of the tribe….
Remembrances of Nau-kish-tae
